Where is the Love
- Brandelyn N. Castine

If I have heard it once, I have heard it a million times. Almost daily, I find myself entangled in conversations about what is wrong with Black men and how difficult it is to deal with Black women. I find myself becoming frustrated listening to the laundry list of reasons why Black men aren’t worth the trouble. Then on the other hand, I hear constant monologues about how Black women are too independent and don’t know how to let men be men. I listen to these conversations, often taken part in them, voicing my very one-sided opinion, but then something dawned on me. The fact of the matter is that no one is perfect. We all have flaws and there are things that we are going to have to learn to accept about our partner when we decide to pursue a relationship with someone. However, the question of what is wrong with Black men and women will forever dangle over our heads. The answer to the question is simple, it all boils down to choices and expectations.I think as women we have what I like to call the SUPERMAN expectation. We expect our men to be perfect, never make any mistakes, never get upset, never upset us, never leave crap lying around our apartments, never choose friends or sports over us, and never participate in whatever other behavior we may find to be irritating. But I think that the revelation or acceptance rather that our men are just human beings is something that we need to acknowledge. We want these men to be perfect and fall into our categories of perfection and get upset when they turn out to be just human. Instead of embracing the humanistic qualities, we immediately go into ‘momma’ mode and start trying to mold, shape and grow our men into our definition of perfection. We put in so much effort to tuck and fold and tame and bend and sow and wax that pretty soon, even HE has forgotten who he is! Then, the inevitable happens, we get bored and he gets frustrated and then it gets ugly.

Brothers, the same goes to you. We are not your mothers. It is not our job to clean up after you, cook your meals, and provide you with a place to live. Men have forgotten how to be men, or to say it better, they were never truly taught how to be men. There is an old saying, "Girls are raised, boys are loved". They were raised by their mothers and taught how to be cared for, but honestly where does their accountability come in? Some say that Black women are too independent and too head strong, but again I ask how can you expect us to be anything less when all we know is that in life, Black women only have one choice, make it happen. Men have many choices and the freedom to come and go as they please, depending on women to clean up their mistakes when it is all said and done. Honestly, it is that constant battle between freedom and captivity that keeps us at each others throats.

Black men, sisters would be more inclined to relax and let you take the lead more often if you showed her that you were willing and able to do that. Sisters, brothers would probably be more inclined to take the lead if we would soften up and let them. I realize that it is going to take a lot of trust on our parts, but that is the only way we are going to be able to make heads or tails of this situation. There is a way to find balance between the two worlds, but it is going to take some bending and growing on both ends of the stick. Instead of asking “What’s wrong with Black men, or what’s wrong with Black women?” Ask yourself, what can I do to give a little and open up that door of trust? The answers are in our hands, it is just up to us to ask the right questions. end

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