Out the Box
- Brandelyn N. Castine

It seems as though men view black women as (and I’m being extremely general here) money hungry, selfish and self-centered. Black women look at Black men as being underachievers, greedy (especially when it comes to women) and afraid of black women, respectively. The problem with this is that these ideas are very general. Yes there are some women who are gold diggers and will only date men with a certain bank account. But, there are some women such as myself, who just want a man who is on her level. I’m not necessarily talking about education wise, (we’ll get to that in a minute) but intellectually and financially. I know I’m not balling out of control, but I am taking care of myself, handling my business and getting things done.Why is it wrong for me to expect the man I’m dating to do the same thing? Why am I considered bourgeois if I want a man who is my match? I’m certainly not asking for much.

I’m not a big fan of the dude who comes with expensive gifts and feels like he has to impress me with material things. All that is played! I can buy myself expensive gifts, or other things.  Honestly, I am way more impressed with a man who is simply handling his business and getting things done. To me there is nothing sexier then being able to go kick it over my man’s apartment and its all his, just being able to go to his house, just like he can come to mine and spend time with each other. Its not really about the apartment, its more about the pride and confidence that comes from having something that’s yours. That is sexy as hell! But I digress…

Anyone who knows me knows that I have mixed feelings about formal education. If you go, or went to a predominately white university like I did, the education received in the classroom is not nearly as valuable as the education received outside. The problem with top tier universities is that they teach students that you are the cream of the crop and that you will have a golden ticket in life once you leave this institution. After this ideology has been engrained into your head for four or five, or six (LOL) years, people begin to rely on these lies. They begin to think of themselves as ‘better than’ just because they go to this school, or they have a degree from this school. They begin to look at people who chose not to go to school, or who didn’t have or didn’t take advantage of the educational opportunities we may have had. We begin to look down on people who opted out of the traditional path and are trying something else. Especially Black people. Now of course I am not speaking of the individuals who simply have no hope and are content with just chillin’ in the corner…I mean, to each his own. But I am more so speaking about the brotha who has a job, or is taking classes at the community college, or vocational school, just trying to make it happen.

We get caught up in the thinking that if that person doesn’t take the path we have been told is the ‘correct path’ then they are not worth our time. I have seen it a million times. A Black woman with a degree (we won’t even call it an education) will not even give a brotha without a degree a chance, or if she does, deep down, she is telling herself the reasons why it would not be considered settling because he has a good job or he treats her right or whatever. She tries to think of ways to justify her non-degree holding man to her friends, who will always ask about that, for reasons I still have yet to figure out. Or on the flip side, a Black man with a degree will more then likely not date a Black woman with a degree because they are too challenging or have too high expectations. Essentially, they won’t take any shit from them, so they opt to go for the women who will “appreciate’ them without asking for too much. The problem is that we are all so busy trying to prove our worth to each other, that the competition overwhelms what’s important. I feel like it’s almost to the point where we are going to start wearing t-shirts with our resumes displayed on them. An instant indication of whether or not someone is worth our time.

I think that as a people, we need to learn to deprogram ourselves and start looking at people as individuals. We have a natural tendency to stereotype ourselves without even taking the time to get to really know each other. If you meet someone and you have an attraction to them, just run with it. Let go of your preconceived ideas and see what happens. Honestly, what could it hurt to step outside of your box and try?

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